an update on me

**While this is very personal I ask that you only read with no judgements in mind.  These are my feelings, and I had a hard time writing it.  Please be kind and aware of how important these subjects are to me. 

I guess I wanted to write this post to clear the air a little bit.  Many people have seen the pictures of food, and this is why I am doing it, its not because I want to loose weight (that is always a perk, and I do need it) I have been all over the map with my health, and I never thought I would need to explain to people why, but I feel like its time.  After I had Dax (our beautiful boy) I started feeling really different about my body and myself.  It’s hard to explain, because I myself didn’t understand.  I was emotional, all over the map, I thought a lot of it was postpartum, and it’s hard when the world tells you that’s normal, you try to just roll with it.  So then it snowballed, I was a little angry with my circumstance because I felt very inadequate at my roll as a mom, my kids were 22 months apart and I didn’t feel like I was ready to take on the challenge of another child.  Halle (my little girl) was in her terrible twos, and I felt guilty for having another child so soon taking away precious time alone with her that I knew we would never have again.  I didn’t see having another child as expanding the family, I saw it as restraining.  Then we moved again to Mobile, AL for 4 months (my husbands job takes us away every summer)

I have always been very active, and into running.  I can gage how I am feeling by the distance I can run.  So I knew when we moved to Mobile, I just needed to run, to be able to feel again.  I started trying to workout, I did ok but any sort of motivation was out the door.  I would get up early before my kids and go running, I really couldn’t get any distance in, because I was incredibly tired.  I thought it was post pregnancy weight, so I just tried to keep plugging at it, meanwhile I slipped into a greater depressive state.  I didn’t want to do anything or go anywhere, I wasn’t happy, and nothing could change my mood.  I felt guilty for not being that “pintrest mom” and that just meant I slipped further and further into hating myself.   At that point I flew home to go to my doctor and see what was going on because besides being mentally incapable, physically I was a wreck as well.  As soon as noon hit everyday my energy was gone, I could barely lift my limbs to do normal everyday things.  I felt a jittery weakness all afternoon, and prayed I would make it to when I could put my kids to bed.  My poor poor kids.  Every time I would stand up, off the couch, up from a bed, bend over and stand up everything would blackout.  I was conscious; I just couldn’t see anything and my ears would ring.  Trying to explain it to other people was impossible.  In our apartment we lived on the third floor and I could only walk a couple stairs at a time, it would take me awhile to get to all the way up three flights of stairs.  It seemed any change in elevation (even inches) made me sicker.  So I went home to see what was the issues, I had some blood work done, and everything came back normal, talk about a huge disappointment.  But after discussing things with my dr, he best concluded and diagnosed me with depression.  Yes, depression.  I felt dumb, how could this happen to me, and how could I allow myself to be that person.  So I started the medication, and nothing really changed, in the back of my head I never thought that was the right diagnosis, but I did not go to medical school, on the other hand I also feel like nobody knows more than me about my own body.  So on top of all the other problems, I now felt worse because my poor family had to deal with me being a bit loony.  I finally returned home from the summer (there’s nothing like leaving your home for 4 months, and walking into it!)  When I returned, I expected and hoped I would get a lot better.  I had a lot of digestive issues, and I kept wondering what I was doing so wrong.  It was SO hard for me to figure out because all in all I ate fairly well, I didn’t eat a lot of sweets, NO soda…. EVER, and I cooked at home, so it wasn’t fast food, or a high fat diet. 

My husband decided that it would be a good idea to take the next year and work 3 weeks out of every month in Dallas, TX, and then come home for a week.  I just tried to push it out of my head, and not even think about it, I needed to take one day at a time (or one hour at a time) so we started on our journey of being away from each other for a year.  I was always focused and concerned about my kids, I never thought of myself, I figured if I went a million miles an hour, there wouldn’t be an emptiness of not having their daddy home.  Family and Friends were so incredibly amazing; they poured out their love and opened their homes to us, to keep us busy.  We spent a lot of time with loved ones.  Still, nothing seemed like it was improving and my dr kept telling me with the high stress life we lead its normal, and once Greg is home permanently it will start to feel better.  But the stress just mounted higher and higher.  We found out in October, that we were expecting again, I was so mad, that meant that Dax and the baby would be 17 months apart, yikes is an understatement.  I knew I was supposed to be happy, and supposed to be ecstatic, and everything else that all the amazing moms are, but I wasn’t.  (Please don’t judge me)  I tried to come to terms with it, week after week.  And things only got worse.  My relationship with my husband was not what I wanted it to be, my kids were incredibly crazy, and I felt awful all the time.  I remember thinking how unfair it was that so many people got to see their husbands at night, and I was doing it solely alone.  I know I didn’t have to work, and I give full applause to those that juggle both.  But I really wanted the security of being in my husband’s arms at the end of the day. 

Greg got to be home for about 3 weeks for Christmas, through new years, what a treat.  It was nice for our kids to see him and envelop themselves with their daddy again.  I had a check up before Greg went back to Dallas, and our Dr couldn’t find a heartbeat.  The day before we had let everyone know that we were pregnant and now we were finding out the worst news.  I was 17 weeks along and our sweet angel was taken away.  Another stress, all I could think was I had done it, it was my fault.  If I wasn’t so negative our baby wouldn’t have been taken away, it was my fault.  This was my punishment.  As things piled so did all the expenses and we found ourselves in a horrible rut.  I decided after having dinner with some wonderful women, that maybe I should look at another Dr. I contemplated it for a couple more months, then I finally made a call to a wellness center I had found in SLC, I called 2 weeks before I was supposed to leave again for the summer.  Not thinking I would get in, because another Dr hadn’t had an opening for 3 months, I got in, and to my surprise everything moved quickly.  In that two weeks I did a numerous amount of tests, and that leads to the diet I am on now.  My tests showed many areas that I was WAY under the normal, and Many areas I was off the charts in an unhealthy area.  In short I am working on my liver, vitamin levels, inflammatory problems, and the list goes on.  So through this diet and these tests I am cleansing my body and finding my old self again.  I currently cannot eat Soy, Gluten, Dairy, Eggs, Sugar (any kind, except those found in fruit) Salt, Soda, rice, corn, tomatoes, potatoes, fruit juices, dehydrated fruit, beef, pork, bacon…etc.  I have defiantly learned to be creative, but I am so inspired to feel normal again, yes normal is the goal.  So far I can see baby steps, my blackouts aren’t as severe and I have noticed more energy, I can RUN! Its super exciting, I’m going further and further in my distances and time and I am thankful to be on this journey.  I know that it is far from over, and sorry for the long explanation, but this is my story thus far.